The Razzies were just announced an hour ago. The hits just keep on coming today. And here you thought I was done posting shit.
I should probably learn not to make myself have to put up ten articles the day before the Oscars when I’m trying to write up a giant article for the next day. But we all know I’m stupid, so why should anything change?
Here are your Razzie winners:
Worst Picture
Fantastic Four
Fifty Shades of Grey
Jupiter Ascending
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
Pixels
Winner: Fantastic Four & Fifty Shades of Grey
That makes sense. They both fit the mold.
Plus, I can shit on them both from different perspectives. At least one of them made money, though.
Worst Actor
Johnny Depp, Mortdecai
Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades of Grey
Kevin James, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Adam Sandler, The Cobbler and Pixels
Channing Tatum, Jupiter Ascending
Winner: Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades of Grey
The problem with them is they just sweep certain films.
I think they’re afraid to vote for Depp. And Sandler is probably too easy for them.
Not a great category this year.
Worst Actress
Katherine Heigl, Home Sweet Hell
Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Mila Kunis, Jupiter Ascending
Jennifer Lopez, The Boy Next Door
Gwyneth Paltrow, Mortdecai
Winner: Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Yeah, they sweep voted it.
Also, not a fucking chance in hell they saw Home Sweet Hell. Only me and like ten other people watched that movie. Don’t even pretend like you know what it is either. People just voted for Heigl. I’m not saying they were wrong, I’m just saying — come on, guys.
Worst Supporting Actor
Chevy Chase, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Vacation
Josh Gad, Pixels and The Wedding Ringer
Kevin James, Pixels
Jason Lee, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip
Eddie Redmayne, Jupiter Ascending
Winner: Eddie Redmayne, Jupiter Ascending
The exact thing I wrote when nominations were announced was, “Eddie Redmayne will win this, but he shouldn’t.”
Kinda think Chevy Chase should have won. But I understand why they went the way they did.
Worst Supporting Actress
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip and The Wedding Ringer
Rooney Mara, Pan
Michelle Monaghan, Pixels
Julianne Moore, Seventh Son
Amanda Seyfried, Love the Coopers and Pan
Winner: Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip and The Wedding Ringer
Not surprising.
I like how whitewashing only results in a nomination and not a win.
Cuoco was the one who made the most sense based on what they usually do.
Worst Remake/Rip-Off/Sequel
Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip
Fantastic Four
Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Winner: Fantastic Four
It won Worst Picture. Of course
Worst Director
Andy Fickman, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Tom Six, Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)
Sam Taylor-Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Josh Trank, Fantastic Four
Andy and Lana Wachowski, Jupiter Ascending
Winner: Josh Trank, Fantastic Four
Did you follow the release of that movie? They had to give it to him.
Worst Screen Combo
All Four “Fantastics,” Fantastic Four
Johnny Depp and His Glued-On Moustache, Mortdecai
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Kevin James and EITHER His Segue OR His Glued-On Moustache, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Adam Sandler and Any Pair of Shoes, The Cobbler
Winner: Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
They’re actually a combo.
Though the “pair of shoes” thing is really funny to me. Not that anyone actually saw that movie.
I’m pretty sure no one actually watches any of these nominees except the big ones. I’m not really sure why I even follow these every year.
Worst Screenplay
Fantastic Four
Fifty Shades of Grey
Jupiter Ascending
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Pixels
Winner: Fifty Shades of Grey
Was there any doubt?
Razzie Redeemer Award
Elizabeth Banks
M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith
Sylvester Stallone
Winner: Sylvester Stallone
This category was created specifically so he could win it. He’s about to win a fucking Oscar.
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