The Independent Spirit Awards were also today, but I don’t care about those. The usual people won. Birdman won Picture and Boyhood won Director. Otherwise, your usual cast of characters won and no one is surprised. I don’t care about them.
What I do care about are the Razzie Awards. Because I want to see what they picked as the shit of the shit for 2014.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing them shit all over bad movies. Of course, they always get political and vote for the wrong stuff, but I’m still excited to see what they choose.
Here are your 2014 Razzie Winners:
Worst Picture
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Left Behind
The Legend of Hercules
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Ooh… this is an interesting one.
I’m analyzing this, by the way, because why not?
They’re past Transformers. They’re not gonna go there again. Ninja Turtles doesn’t seem like the kind of movie they’d go for. Legend of Hercules wouldn’t be memorable enough. It’s either Left Behind or Kirk Cameron. And since they like to give their worst movies multiple awards, and Nicolas Cage is barely in Left Behind, and Kirk Cameron seems like an easy target… I’m gonna say that won.
Winner: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Yup
Worst Actor
Nicolas Cage, Left Behind
Kirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Kellan Lutz, The Legend of Hercules
Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways To Die in the West
Adam Sandler, Blended
There’s no way he loses this.
Winner: Kirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Yup.
Worst Actress
Drew Barrymore, Blended
Cameron Diaz, The Other Woman and Sex Tape
Melissa McCarthy, Tammy
Charlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the West
Gaia Weiss, The Legend of Hercules
Ooh. Uh oh.
Charlize ain’t winning. Neither is Gaia Weiss. If the films haven’t won yet, they’re not winning now. McCarthy seems too easy. And I think they like her.
It’s either Barrymore or Diaz. And Diaz has two entries here. She’s gotta be the choice.
Only problem is, that means… Supporting Actress… does she not win that, or do they make her a double winner?
Winner: Cameron Diaz, The Other Woman and Sex Tape
Yeah.
Now I’m curious to see if this messes up the category she really should be winning for.
Worst Supporting Actor
Mel Gibson, Expendables 3
Kelsey Grammer, Expendables 3, Legends of Oz, Think Like a Man Too and Transformers: Age of Extinction
Shaquille O’Neal, Blended
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Expendables 3
Kiefer Sutherland, Pompeii
Three Expendables nominees.
Keifer could win, but I doubt anyone cares about that movie. Shaq isn’t big enough now to win. You’d need LeBron (who is in Trainwreck this year!) level fame to win this.
Gotta assume Kelsey, since he’s nominated the most. If you’re nominated multiple times, that usually means you win.
Winner: Kelsey Grammar… for all of those movies.
Yup.
Worst Supporting Actress
Cameron Diaz, Annie
Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Nicola Peltz, Transformers: Age of Extinction
Brigitte Ridenour, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Susan Sarandon, Tammy
Hmm…
Diaz should win this.
Peltz won’t win, because it’s not her fault.
Sarandon won’t win because… she just won’t.
Nobody knows who Ridenour wins, but the sweep factor helps.
Megan Fox… will they go there? I don’t know. Seems petty to go her for that.
Screw it. I say Cameron is a double winner.
Winner: Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Really?
That’s dumb.
Worst Director
Michael Bay, Transformers: Age of Extinction
Darren Doane, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Renny Harlin, The Legend of Hercules
Jonathan Liebesman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways To Die in the West
I just assume they never pass up a chance to give Bay this.
Winner: Michael Bay, Transformers: Age of Extinction
Yup.
Worst Screenplay
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Left Behind
Sex Tape
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age of Extinction
It’s either Kirk Cameron or Transformers.
Let’s say they go Transformers.
Winner: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Okay.
Worst Screen Combo
Any Two Robots, Actors (or Robotic Actors), Transformers: Age of Extinction
Kirk Cameron & His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Cameron Diaz & Jason Segel, Sex Tape
Kellan Lutz & Either His Abs, His Pecs or His Glutes, The Legend of Hercules
Seth MacFarlane & Charlize Theron, A Million Ways To Die in the West
MacFarlane and Theron would make sense for them, but no. Lutz no.
Honestly, it’s Cameron. You know it is. Why bother?
Winner: Kirk Cameron & His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas
Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
Annie
Atlas Shrugged #3: Who Is John Galt?
The Legend of Hercules
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Either Transformers or Turtles, I imagine. Though Annie probably should be the choice.
Winner: Annie
Oh, good.
The Razzie Redeemer Award
Ben Affleck (Razzie Winner for Gigli to Oscar darling for Argo and Gone Girl
Jennifer Aniston (4-time Razzie nominee to SAG nominee for Cake)
Mike Myers (Razzie winner for Love Guru to Documentary director of Supermensch)
Keanu Reeves (6-time Razzie nominee to critically acclaimed John Wick)
Kristen Stewart (Razzie winner for Twilight to art house hit Camp X-Ray)
It’s Affleck. He’s the only reason you create this category.
Aniston didn’t get nominated, and they still hate her. Myers, nobody even knows about. Reeves is a no, and Stewart is a no.
Affleck is the only reason you have this category.
Winner: Ben Affleck
Of course.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow morning, I post my picks, and Oscar night is upon us.
