So I sat down to watch the Oscars and decided to live-blog it.
So, here is everything I wrote down while watching the Oscars:
The Live-Blog
Monologue was all right. Mostly safe, but it worked. Not a fan of Ellen as a host.
The crowd is lively. I like it.
Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Classy speech. Good job.
Also — he mentioned 30 Seconds to Mars at the Oscars.
We live in a different age, people.
“Citizen Kane. Lawrence of Arabia. Ace Ventura. Our next presenter was in one of those.” Nice.
I like the LSD joke. Took way too long with the whole Bruce Dern thing. Man sure does mug a lot, doesn’t he? Worked a lot better when I was eight.
Pharrell. Okay.
Nice that they got the nominees to get up and dance. Otherwise – meh. I can’t believe this could actually win.
P.S. Thirty minutes. One award. And they wonder why the show runs long.
“Let It Go” better be the last song performed. Like “Skyfall” last year. Let the assholes know what they’re missing out on if they don’t vote for it.
What’s next? Cinematography? They always do that early now, don’t they?
This commercial with Neal McDonaugh annoys the shit out of me. The whole thing is like, “We’re America, fuck you. We do work.” Motherfucker, the fact that they get a month off and we don’t is not a good thing.
Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts. I love this pairing.
I like this background. The roses and all that. Whoever decided that did a good job.
Oh, good. Two at once.
Feeling like American Hustle takes this one. Kind of worried about it.
Go Gatsby.
Notice how one got big applause and the other got respected clapping.
Best Costume Design: The Great Gatsby
FUCK YEAH!
Now I’m worried about Production Design.
But whatever. Got Costumes. That’s one I was worried about out of the way.
But yeah, totally deserved. And that’s 0-2 for American Hustle. And 12 Years a Slave. Just in case we’re keeping score.
“I just have a few words here in my bra.” She’s awesome.
Love me some Australian accents. Second only to Irish.
Love how she didn’t bother to thank anybody. Catherine Martin don’t give a fuck.
Oh, good. Makeup. Wouldn’t a Lone Ranger win be hilarious?
Best Makeup & Hairstyling: Dallas Buyers Club.
I guess we’ll just have to settle for Academy Award Nominee Bad Grandpa and Two Time Academy Award nominee The Lone Ranger.
Also, two-time Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill.
Dallas Buyers Club technically has the most Oscars right now.
They haven’t played anyone off yet. Fan of that.
Sure, play Harrison Ford out to the Indiana Jones theme. I’m sure he loves that everywhere he goes.
He’s probably so stoned he has no idea what’s going on.
Three at a time? Why bother?
Best Pictures, of course. Just in case we were reading that out of context.
How baked is Harrison Ford right now?
He doesn’t necessarily look it. I just ask that anywhere he goes in public. It’s like an I Spy game with weed at the end of it.
How did they pick the three nominees? American Hustle, Dallas Buyers Club and Wolf of Wall Street? Did they just put them in a hat? Did they put them in Pharrell’s hat?
I love how front and center Matthew McConaughey’s wife is. It’s pretty great how he’s been married for a long time. Completely opposite as what you’d imagine.
KIM NOVAK! Remember when she got all bitchy about The Artist? That was a cunty thing to do.
Damn, she got some plastic surgery.
Her voice also scares me.
McConaughey’s tux looks so nice.
LOOK AT HER FUCKING FACE!
Best Animated Short: Mr. Hublot
Yeah… looks like everything is as it always is. The open voting is a red herring. In the smaller categories, anyway. The ones no one cares about.
Still love Get a Horse!
Time for Animated Feature. Anticlimactic.
SERIOUSLY LOOK AT HER GODDAMN FACE.
Best Animated Feature: Frozen
Well fucking really.
Why did they show all the shitty clips from that movie in the winners montage?
Sally Field. Remember when she made a joke about banging Seth MacFarlane last year?
Oh, I get it. Heroes. Indiana Jones, Norma Rae. I see what you did there.
God, now I’m thinking about her Mary Todd last year. She was annoying. Love Sally Field, but was not a fan of that performance.
YES! JASON ROBARDS!
Everyone go watch All the President’s Men.
Nice way to get Chastain in there, make them feel bad about not voting for her.
Not that Jennifer Lawrence isn’t all over these goddamn montages.
ATTICUS!
Sure, show Mel Gibson. There’s a hero.
Isn’t it funny how this montage is entirely about men.
Sidney fucking Poitier.
Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are the same height.
Best Visual Effects: Gravity
Shocker of the year. Can’t believe that happened. No one saw that coming.
And here I had three grand on Iron Man.
I think the joke about Ellen being a seat filler for Zac Efron is the fact that Zac Efron has a seat at the Oscars in the first place.
Ha ha. He was in Hairspray.
Can’t read a teleprompter though.
Karen O.
Love this song. I love how raw it’s performed.
Love that she’s not wearing shoes either.
And the moon behind her. That’s awesome.
They shortened it? Why?
Maybe cut out one of those fucking montages if you want to run shorter.
When was the last time Kate Hudson was in anything? You think McConaughey is sitting there like, “Bitch don’t bring up our movies and fuck this up for me”?
Best Live-Action Short: Helium
A HA HA I GOT IT RIGHT. How the fuck did that happen?
I guess, hooray predictability?
They haven’t played anybody off yet. Almost did just there, but didn’t.
Was that Spike Lee?
Best Documentary Short: The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life
YES!
I’m so happy I got 2/3 of the shorts right. And I’d have had the other if I weren’t swayed by the open vote. Still, 2/3 in the shorts? I’ll fucking take that shit. And I said that Hublot was the alternate choice. I got this shit on lock so far.
I mean, sure, these are the obvious choices, but whatever. Results is results.
Well… they kind of played that guy off. But he did jump in at the end. He gave it up quickly enough.
A pizza gag?
That I’m sure will be running for the next hour.
They played out Cooper to the Mockingbird music?
Documentary Feature. And here’s where I get one wrong.
Still kind of rooting for Act of Killing here.
Best Documentary Feature: 20 Feet from Stardom
Wow. I’m so happy at how I’m doing right now.
I mean, yeah, I picked something I didn’t necessarily think should have won, but whatever. It’s enjoyable. Harvey gets a win.
Yeah, Darlene Love! Sing that shit!
Try to play that off. I dare you.
Spacey.
Love me some Lansbury.
Huge fan of that Google Play commercial. Don’t give a fuck about whatever Google Play is, but that was a classy commercial.
Ewan McGregor. Haven’t seen him in a while.
It’s weird when I remember he’s Scottish.
Ah, Foreign Language Film.
It’s always fun when either they have the obvious people try to do it or the beautiful chick who so obviously is gonna fuck it up. They just kind of toed the line with this one.
Here’s another one I have no idea what the hell is gonna happen.
I’d actually be pretty happy with a Broken Circle win.
No one knows what this Missing Picture movie is. That’s funny.
Best Foreign Language Film: The Great Beauty
Hooray, obviousness!
Everyone’s gonna be doing well tonight. That’s pretty… oh fucking really? Tyler Perry?
Yeah. Cut to Amy Adams texting. Nice.
Nebraska, Her and Gravity.
That leaves Philomena, 12 Years and Captain Phillips. Must have been random, right? Or, rather, split up the top three, and then fill in the rest?
I feel so bad for Samantha Morton.
Brad Pitt.
Introducing U2. Oh yeah.
It’s funny that the song has nothing to do with Nelson Mandela.
Also, they clapped huge for this. This song might win.
Or maybe just because it’s U2.
As much as I don’t want to see this win, I love U2, and this sounds great.
Well… for a while it did. Until the weird silence and single chord thing going on when he got real creepy like, leaning into the audience. That was bizarre.
Why did Karen O shorten her song but U2 didn’t?
Texted a friend that. He said, “Because they’re U2.”
Fair enough.
Hey, commercial – we don’t ever need to see it.
All right. Selfies at the Oscars. Just like Bob Hope used to do.
Nice to see Michael B. Jordan there.
Oh, but all he has to do is the Science Awards thing.
Pretty sure I just saw Jack the Giant Slayer in that montage.
Hemsworth and Theron. Jeez, get some attractive people up in here already.
Ah… the sound categories. No stress here.
Best Sound Mixing: Gravity
Yup. I’m at the point where I’m interested in hearing the speeches, since I already know. I’m curious how hard they push Cuaron. I notice in years they build the narratives with the speeches. Or they continue the narrative.
Yup. There they go. Alfonso. “Incredible vision.”
It’s weird when they look up in the balcony for their children. It keeps seeming like their kids are dead. Right?
Ah, they cut to an empty seat. Someone fucked up.
YOU HAD ONE JOB, seat filler.
Best Sound Editing: Gravity
Good for them. They deserved it.
That’s three for them already. 0-3 for Captain Phillips.
Christoph Waltz.
Uh oh. Big goings on here.
Shit just got real.
Nice clip. Sally Hawkins did a good job.
Meh to Lawrence’s clip.
Why’d you have to go with the obvious Nyong’o clip?
That Julia clip is more of a Meryl clip. But the end was nice.
Oh yeah, June Squibb.
Really? You’re gonna show that clip?
Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave
Thank god. I’m so glad I went off of her. And I’m glad I told you guys to take her. She deserved it. I’m so glad this didn’t go south. I wanted to be wrong here, and I’m so glad for that.
I can’t wait for this speech.
Standing ovation. Yes, please.
12 Years a Slave is on the board.
I love her. She so deserved this. I’m so happy to be wrong here.
Oh, and the Willy Wonka theme after a speech about dreams.
I will not dilute that speech with a comment about how “subtle” that was.
(Dick in the ass.)
So personally I’m 11 of 13 right now, and the ballot I told everyone else to have is 12 of 13.
Glad they actually got pizza. The gag is dumb, but pizza is awesome.
Wonder why they run long. They’re handing out pizza to everyone.
Martin Scorsese eats pizza.
GODDAMNIT DON’T CUT AWAY FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE EATING PIZZA.
Why would you ever cut away from famous people eating pizza?
I’m way more interested to see Martin Scorsese take a bite of pizza than I am in hearing the Academy president talk about that spaceship they’re building.
Also, you have a hyphenated last name. No.
A HA HA Jennifer Lawrence is actually eating the pizza. She’s the best.
Amy Adams and Bill Murray. This wins for pair of the night.
Ah, Cinematography. Wouldn’t this be a shock?
But I doubt it.
“Tell ‘em who’s up for best shooter.” I love Bill Murray.
“Oh, we forgot one. Harold Ramis, for Caddyshack, Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day.”
–
–
–
I just wanted to let that have its moment.
Best Cinematography: Gravity, Emmanuel Lubezki
Sorry, Deakins. But we saw that coming. And Lubezki deserved it.
He’s fucking great. He arguably got robbed for Tree of Life and I know he got robbed for Children of Men. (Well, sort of. In terms of achievement more than anything.)
Good for him, though. Well earned. For this and everything else.
I still really love this background.
Wait, were all the cinematographers sitting together to the side? That’s both great and terrible at the same time. I love it, though. They’re all chilling, hanging out with each other. That’s fantastic.
Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe.
I will not make a joke here I will not make a joke here
(Little Shop of Horrors)
Editing. Big one.
What takes it down? This could be a clue.
Best Editing: Gravity
Alfonso Cuaron is gonna win two Oscars tonight.
But that would have been telling if 12 Years or American Hustle won. Looking real bad for American Hustle. 12 Years still easily pulls this out unless it loses Screenplay.
And I totally got that right, and I apologize for telling you to go differently. But statistically, Captain Phillips was a sound choice. Still, I apologize. I really thought I was gonna be the one who was wrong here.
So both ballots are 13 for 15.
And Gravity now has five Oscars.
Whoopi!
The exclamation and… Whoopi Goldberg is here. That just happened to work out.
Oh yeah. Wizard of Oz tribute. 75 years.
Weird how Gone With the Wind is also 75 and they didn’t mention that.
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Stagecoach. A lot of films are 75 years old, guys.
Sure, Judy Garland is your hero.
Hooray, barbiturates!
So Pink is gonna sing “Over the Rainbow”?
Or… not. Or did they just add on some lyrics?
Nice use of wide shot there.
Oh, the long version. I got it.
Nice choice of hairpiece, Travolta.
I support anything that involves Godzilla waterskiing.
Oh, that was a Once Upon a Time commercial. I got really excited for a second about Wicked. I thought they were gonna do a live airing or something like with The Sound of Music. But not shitty.
Still patiently awaiting that movie, too.
Which must mean it’s almost time for…
Oh, she’s dressed as Glinda. Must be happening, right?
Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch.
Nope. Production Design.
Another big one.
This isn’t necessarily Gatsby’s.
I like the nominees being drawn.
Best Production Design: The Great Gatsby
YES! A HA HA HA HA I’m so awesome.
Why is everything going according to plan this year? They must be saving it for the end.
Window’s closing on American Hustle though.
Catherine Martin wins two yet again.
I love how she doesn’t care about the Academy at all.
Chris Evans. Oh, here it is.
Nope. Another montage.
What? What the fuck is this montage? Superheroes?
No. Apparently not.
Yes… put Superman dialogue over Casablanca. That’s smart.
A HA HA THE KARATE KID. Yes. Put Jaden Smith in a “heroes” montage.
“I know kung fu”! YES!
YES THE INDEPENDENCE DAY SPEECH.
This wins. I don’t even care how bad it is. It wins.
Nice use of Adventures of Robin Hood and Spartacus. Do people even know those movies anymore?
Of course they went Connery. How could you not?
Wait, Peter Sellers made it?
And Craig. Because Roger Moore wasn’t a natural Bond. Right Colin?
Wow, Beasts of the Southern Wild. Why is she a hero?
She’s a hero to Scrabble players everywhere.
14 of 16.
And that leaves Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, both Screenplays, Song and Score.
Is it weird that the only one of these I’m worried about is Song?
Oh no. Fuck this commercial. The use of movie lines. Pepsi, no. Just no. You lose. Good day, sir.
Also, shit… that means Gravity can win 8 Oscars maximum, and will likely win 7. Fascinating. Well, technically it can win 9, but no one thinks it’s getting that one.
Glenn Close. Fuck yeah, Glenn Close.
Remember when she didn’t win for World According to Garp?
The In Memorium montage. Aww.
And here’s Bette Midler.
They haven’t announced her yet. But they will.
Wait, no. No Bette Midler?
There’s no way this doesn’t end with “Wind Beneath My Wings.” I called that shit weeks ago. This night is so obvious that has to be the capper to it all.
Aww… start with Gandolfini.
Smart. Cut out the applause. Keep it about the people, and don’t pay attention to how much applause they get. It’s unfair to them.
See, because I did that article, I know who almost all these people are.
Hoffman must be the last one, right? Or will it be Shirley? Usually it’s someone that hits the hardest. That’s why I think it’s Hoffman.
Aww… Peter O’Toole. That’s sad. I’d have ended with him.
Richard Griffiths.
Aww… Ebert. That’s right.
Joan Fontaine. That’s a big one too.
A HA His name is Run Run Shaw. I mean, sad, yes, but also… Run Run.
Harold Ramis. Yeah. That was unexpected.
Him dying, I mean. Not… whatever else that could have meant.
Eleanor Parker.
Julie Harris.
Man we lost some great ones.
Maximilian Schell.
Tom Sherak. That’s big for them.
And there he is.
Oh, now you bring out Bette. Why. The montage is over. Now you’re just wasting time.
Oh no, please don’t. Don’t make her sing what I think she’s about to sing.
Talk about tacky as shit. The second they announced her for the ceremony, you knew exactly what was happening and when.
This is offensive to noses.
This is wasted time. This is what happens when you have a flamboyantly gay producer.
Where does Bette Midler think she’s performing? Is she trying to get work?
Don’t worry, Bette, no one saw Parental Guidance. They won’t hold it against you.
What the fuck was that face? “Oh, no… a standing ovation? What? So unexpected. Please, keep going.” It’s so naturally rehearsed.
Is she crying? Really, Bette?
Oh, she said something before the break. “I feel like…”
What does she feel like? I really want to hear that.
Goldie Hawn. Interesting choice. Another montage. Or Frozen? Like her face.
Ah, the last three.
So, for those keeping score… Harrison Ford, Tyler Perry, and Goldie Hawn presented the nine nominees. All right then.
Maybe a road movie?
AS GOOD AS IT GETS 2.
So they got the real Captain Phillips and Tom Hanks didn’t bother to show up because he wasn’t nominated. Good for him. Fuck ‘em.
Interesting. Put 12 Years last. They really think it’s gonna win. It probably will. American Hustle just got shut out. And if it loses Screenplay, that’s the end.
They’re really wearing out this “I’m the captain now” clip.
And the Patsy clip.
Get some new clips!
Travolta. FROZEN TIME.
I love that they make him do the musical. Worst kept secret ever.
YES!!!!
Notice how Pharrell needed other people during his number? The others didn’t. The songs can carry themselves.
Wait, you shortened hers too?
LET THE SONG PLAY ASSHOLES! LET IT GO!
You better give an ovation to this shit.
You’re goddamn right, Academy. Stand the fuck up.
Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel. This is Song and/or Score.
Score. Should be an easy one.
Not worried if I miss. They’re all deserving. Either the composers or the scores.
No one clapped for John Williams. No one saw that movie.
Damn, Steven Price got an ovation.
Best Original Score: Gravity
Goddamn right. And he got a handshake from John Williams.
Wait, did they just move the nominees into that area for their category? That’s fucked up. Usher them into the feature booth and make one of them stand up to win.
But yeah, that’s deserved. And 6 Oscars for Gravity. Almost certainly 7, possibly 8.
And now for Song. My stomach is in knots.
Best Original Song: “Let It Go,” from Frozen
Oh thank fucking christ. YES!
And I can sleep peacefully.
Aww… they’re adorable. They’re married. That’s why it works.
And they got the EGOT. That’s cool.
All right. Six more to go, and I’m sitting really fucking good. I only have two categories of worry. And one of them is fading fast.
Ooh, nice use of song in this commercial. “The End.” Love that song.
I bet I’m the only one who caught that.
Do we not all routinely listen to songs from the 50s?
So right now, I’m 16 of 18, with six categories left. Goddamn.
Harvey Weinstein puts in two hundred for pizza. I wonder if that was his own cash.
De Niro and Penelope Cruz. Interesting.
Screenplay. Here we go.
Adapted first. Of course. Do the easy one first. Make me sweat it out.
Best Adapted Screenplay: 12 Years a Slave
17. Inching closer.
Also, well deserved. Well, well deserved.
Maybe that means someone will pick up his Hendrix movie now.
Perfect speech.
And now… here we go.
I’m terrified.
I mean, I’m covered either way this goes, but still… which ballot pulls ahead? The personal one, or the one I told you to take?
Best Original Screenplay: Her
YES! GO SPIKE!
So fucking happy.
Your ballot is ahead. You have 18 right if you listened to me. I have 17 still.
But go Spike. So happy.
And American Hustle is shut out. That’s the end of that.
Spike totally deserves this.
Damn, he’s the first one to call out the clock. Still no real playoffs yet though. So that’s good.
Classy speech. I’m so happy he won.
Four categories left. Three are locked. Seemingly. And if 12 Years wins like we expect it to, then the ballot I told you to take finishes with 22 right. Just FYI.
Why is Google killing everyone else with the commercials?
They know how to market to this audience. Good for them.
Angelina Jolie and Sidney Poitier. Awesome. Go Sidney.
That’s right. Stand up for Sidney.
Angelina likes hanging out with old people lately.
Oh man. Director. This is nice.
Thought for sure they’d have Poitier do Best Picture to 12 Years.
He sounds old. I hate it when they sound old.
Remember when they had Lucas and Coppola give Scorsese the Oscar? Man, that was blatant. They knew it was coming.
Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity
Two Oscars for Cuaron, seven for Gravity. Towering over everything else. It doesn’t even need Picture at this point. (Also, how bad would it look if American Hustle won right now?)
So, so happy for him. He earned it for this alone, but when you factor Children of Men into it – so pleased.
Sorry, Steve McQueen. Really sorry. Hopefully you’ll get Picture to make up for it.
At this point, I’m almost even rooting against Gravity for Picture, for some weird reason.
I think because it means I’ll get 22 right on that other ballot. That’s the one I’d have picked if I were at an Oscar party.
Nice “wise guys” joke.
Nice. He shouted out Inarritu and Guillermo Del Toro.
Aww… nice tribute to his wife. (That was his wife, right?) Either way, it’s sweet.
All right all right all right.
This was before the commercial. I just assumed that was next.
Oh, no. They’re talking to him. She’s next.
Yup. Daniel Day-Lewis.
Bring on Cate’s speech.
Wouldn’t it be fucked up if Meryl won out of nowhere?
Also, over/under on Woody Allen mentions?
What if she just said “Woody Allen” over and over like “Baba Booey”?
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
Classy. Honor the nominees.
A ha ha. Awkward applause when she mentioned him. They hesitated, like, “Uhh… what do we do? Shit, we already started. Have to keep going or else it’s awkward.”
Also, nice. Go female-centric films.
“The world is round, people!” Good for you.
“I don’t know how to do this without other actors.” Nice.
And now it’s time. All right all right all right.
Lotta curses going on in these clips. That’s like the fourth one I’ve heard.
Jesus, obvious clips galore. Try something new guys. Seriously.
Then again, these are the guys who chose “Wind Beneath My Wings,” so what am I expecting?
It’s always weird when actors have to clap for themselves after their clips.
Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Well deserved. Well, well, well deserved.
Can we just let this man say whatever he wants all the time?
And he worked in the “all right all right all right.” This man wins life.
Ahh, Will Smith is announcing it. He’s done that before, right? I feel like he has.
Either way, this is the big one. Doesn’t it feel like he’s gonna say Gravity and not 12 Years a Slave? Or is that just my perception of Will Smith talking?
Here we go…
Nice use of posters.
Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave
Good for them. Well deserved.
P.S. Brad Pitt and George Clooney won the past two Best Pictures.
Just sayin’.
This year went exactly as expected. Not a single surprise anywhere at all. I could have went 24/24 here, theoretically. I had the winner in every single category on one of my ballots, outside of Animated Short, which, honestly, I should have split. I was right there. This was a not surprising year at all. Which I think means they got it right.
More on this tomorrow, but I think I might actually say for once that they got it right. Like, really right. All around.
